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June 2015

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Post about myself? Just random things, lil bit depressed

It's been a while^^

Writing, writing, writing, I’m writing this, but while I’m typing I’m still not sure if I would post it. I don’t used to write about myself but so many things happened these days I just feel like I must make a little post about my current state.

First of all I think I’m may finished with my „best friend”. She’s been my friend since 2000 but I’ve known her since kindergarten. Even in those times she caused me many pain and as we got into elementary school we separated. Then in 5th grade we got into the same class and somehow got together. We just learned we lived pretty close to each other so we went to the others every day. And though we were fine there were still conflicts. One of the most painful memories about her happened in 6th grade. Another friend of her told her not being friends with me anymore and so she did. And she not only stopped being my friend but also was really rude, she laughed at me, even spread that I was a slut. (I was 13 then.) In 7th grade her other friend was gone and she came to me. Never apologized just talked to me like nothing happened and I forgave her. We never brought it up.
Now we barely have time for each other, especially her. Since she’s together with his current boyfriend she doesn’t really care about me saying she’s tired or goes to his boyfriend and so on. We talk really little. She’s with him for about 4 years now and planning to move to him and his parents in July. Even though that man eventually lives in Austria due to his work so she would actually live not with his boyfriend but rather his mother-in-low and father-in-low. Never mind it’s her problem.
To be honest one of the things, which triggered me the most to making this decision happened about 3 and half years ago. My “best friend” (let’s just call her A) and me went to another friend (S). We had a casual conversation when my friend A just burst out shouting at me, telling me how wrong I am about my opinions. I was so shocked I couldn’t say a word , I didn’t even understood what has taken her, I didn’t say anything to her and still she acted like she was actually insulted. It was crazy. Then as we went home, though she didn’t used to walk home with me for years then (still remember the day she told me she won’t walk home with me anymore since I’m grown up enough to go home alone), she just did and all the way she was talking about my bad habits, all my failures, how I should change myself. The worst part was she was saying all those things without even thinking, like she was reading a fucking list. She only stopped a few times for asking me if I won’t say a word or what. Well, I didn’t. I was crying behind my scarf and when we arrived home I stared her trying to say something but then I just turned around and left her behind.
And now it happened again. She always rude but I accept it, she’s like that, it’s okay. We’ve been friends for 15 fucking years, we shouldn’t fuck it up. But I feel like I’m a full glass. I can’t take anymore. Why should I always suffer from her hurtful words? I’m not her doormat after all. So about a week ago I went to her with cried out eyes. When she opened the door her only response was “What’s wrong? haha You’re always in a bad mood.” No wonder I didn’t want to tell her what bothered me anymore. We went to aerobic along with S. (S is a friend A never liked, never cared about but for some reason she hangs out with S for almost 3 months now.) I didn’t want to talk so I just listened to them all day. I realized they hang out a lot together lately after work. It’s funny because A lives a few houses from ours and never came to me after work just to talk about casual things or ask me how I’m doing. It really hurts me but what really hurts me is her behavior when S is around. She’s rude as fuck without S too but when she’s with us she’s such an asshole, I really don’t understand what’s so good in that. And A doesn’t even realize how uncomfortable it is even for S. So after shouting at me like mad just because I was not in the mood I had enough. I won’t endure it anymore. I had enough that she always hurts me, I had enough that whenever someone says bad things about her I could kick them in the guts, but when her only other true friend tells something about me she just laughs. Like hey, it’s not funny you little shit, when someone says bad about your friends you should shut them and not play along! Even if they’re also your friends.
I’m not sure if it would stay like this because I really feel bad about losing such an old friendship, and her family is like my second family, I’m afraid of losing them. Time will tell, the only thing I know right now is that she didn’t even call me since then. The next time we went to aerobic I went alone, she didn’t call me, I didn’t call her, but she called S and went with her. I could literally see the shock on her face when she noticed me. I think she thought I wouldn’t go without her. Well, she was wrong. S was like always, we were fine, but A didn’t talk to me during the whole night, and after aerobic, as we said our goodbyes to S she turned to my grinning and asked me if I’m pouting. I stared at her and said “no”, because I was not. I was not pouting; I just didn’t care about her like at all. She said – still grinning – that “it’s okay then”. So I just got on my bike and rode home without a word.

Changing the topic the other thing I wanted to talk about is our dog. He died one and a half week ago. He was only 11 years old but was in a really bad condition. On Wednesday as I got home I found my family crying. They told me we must put him to sleep – or whatever is the correct word in English. I went to him and give him food from my own palm. He licked it off and ate all the food. He was happy, we even combed his coat, he was rolling and playing, we were so happy, thought he will be fine. But the other day my sister called me and told me they called the vet. The vet said he was very sick and had a very little time to live so they made the decision. I’m against these kind of things until the very last moment, really, but it was the best decision. It’s still really hard, since I’m in this world there was no time when we had no dog so it’s really weird and also painful. I still always look at his place when I walk by it or look out of my window. Just out of habit. And then I remember I won’t see him anymore. It’s very difficult. Well, the day I went to A with my puffy, red eyes was the day after his death.

Third thing: It’s a good thing. It’s not something which has any affect on my life or many others’ lives but it’s something which has a huge affect on many many people’s lives. Finally it’s legal in all 50 states in the US to get married whatever your gender and sexual identity is. In other words: gay marriage is legal. Love wins. Long live the president! I really love Obama.

Well, that would be all for now. No updates sadly. I'm such a horrible person I know.