SebSon - I Think I Missed You chapter 4
I recommend this chapter to my dear friend, Gabi (mrsgombember). :3
The last two weeks were really weird for Jenson; once he thought Sebastian Vettel was a natural born talent with a good personality, next he was convinced that the driver was an arrogant twat who wouldn’t be able to reach anything without all the people and help behind him. It didn’t help either when he saw some commendatory report about the man on the TV, or when things didn’t went as they were planned with the team, not talkin’ about his two friends who were complaining about the German driver all the time.
And to top of everything Jense couldn’t stop himself going back to the loft on the other day to read his old diary. He read everything in it, and then read them again and again till he knew every words of it by heart. Before he and Jess left the family house he had a feeling and hid that little ‘farewell gift’ chit in his pocket. He didn’t know what to do with it, he had no plans just wanted to figure it out what was the meaning of the words on it, and when the chit was with him it felt like he could learn about it in every second, like a bolt from the blue.
The plenty of mixed thoughts in his mind were confusing and soon Jenson found himself in a situation where he couldn’t concentrate on anything but his past and his present.
One of the oddest things of the past few days was when he found an article in an old newspaper which was about one of his wins from 2011. Sebastian was second on the podium and there was a picture about the two of them as they were handshaking. It could be a natural thing, nothing special but Jenson couldn’t pass by the fact as Sebastian was staring at him. It was so familiar like in the photo from their childhood; there was the same light in the man’s eyes and it really confused the British driver.
Since he couldn’t forget about it no matter how hard he tried he went to his laptop and was searching for other photos about themselves. All of them were the same, Sebastian was staring at him like he was some precious thing to him, and for some reason Jenson also smiled back at him with concern in his eyes. Jenson tried to remember of that year and he could tell everything was different in those days. They were opponents, yeah, but respected each other. He even liked the man, or at least didn’t hate him. Actually he really liked joking about him.
As he was searching for more information he found some interviews with the German and himself where they were talking about their incident in Spa. Because of Sebastian the two of them had to give up that race, Jenson could still remember how angry he was, but then in the middle of the night a really embarrassed Sebastian called him to apologizing and suddenly all his anger flew away. He didn’t feel anything but sorry about the kid and he hurriedly tried to reassure him that everything was fine; it happened to everyone, even the biggest drivers.
Jenson’s forgotten about these memories but after reading the articles he remembered of not only the accident in Spa, but that incident in Germany last year. Sebastian was cheating, there was no any other explanation of his illegal movement on him, and after that thing the German did the same what he did in Belgium; apologizing after the race, also in the night via phone. But this time Jenson was not so soft-hearted about the other driver, it was a different situation, it was not an accident, not only a mistake but a direct move from the guy and Jenson couldn’t really forgive him since then.
To be honest as he thought back of that time he had to admit that everything started after that incident. All the hatred what he felt towards the guy... Something changed in him.
To diverting his mind he kept searching and finally found a weird website about the two of them. First he thought it was a simple blog but there were strange pictures about them like the one which was taken during the FIA Price Distribution Gala, what could be a nice one, there were a pretty honest smile on their faces as they were staring at the camera, standing close to each other; only there supposed to be Jenson and Jessica, and not Jenson and Sebastian in that photo. It was obviously photoshopped which was unintelligible for Jenson.
And then there was it. A photo about one of the press conferences and it was a really insulting one since it seemed Jenson tried to kiss the other man in it. The British could almost see the lust in his own eyes and there was a playful smile on Sebastian’s face. Jenson freaked out by the photo especially since it was not a photoshopped one and because there were other similar photos about them.
Soon he found out a part of the people thought the two men were lovers and they even got a couple name, ‘sebson’. Jenson felt sick by the lot of information which mixed in his mind, and the growing anger in his chest was almost unbearable, only he couldn’t decide if the anger was for the stupid, abnormal fans or Sebastian.
Seb couldn’t help anything after all.
Jenson quickly slammed the laptop shut and tried to calm down but it was really hard in that moment. He heard about these things, about these ‘shipping’ things before, of course he did; he was a huge fan of Japan and had a half Japanese girlfriend too, and in Japan these things had a big cult. However it was really hard to accept the fact people thought he was gay, or at least bi, or at least in love with one of his opponents. Now he really felt sorry about all the Asian people who worked in the media and the fans were shipping them with another.
The hand in his pocket tensed and his fingers involuntarily encircled around a little paper. He didn’t even realize his movement as he deeply buried in his thoughts again. He didn’t notice the world or the noises around him either; he was somewhere else in his mind not for the first time during the day.
Jenson was dragged out of his daydreaming by the angry calling, for a moment he didn’t even know where he was. As he looked up at the man in front of him he found a very furious Tim there. The man was red and pressed his lips together as if he tried to hold back the words down in his throat.
“What the hell is wrong with you today?” Tim asked in a shaky voice.
“You’re sorry? Jenson, it’s not the time of apologizing, we don’t need apologizes. We need perfect concentration here!”
Jenson wanted to apologize again when he remembered Tim just said he didn’t need it so now he really didn’t know what to say. Ha stood there and listened to the other man’s lecture.
“It’s okay that we said it’s time to concentrate on next year, but let me enlighten you; it doesn’t mean we want to be the last one by the end of the season. For fuck’s sake, we don’t wanna finish after a team like Caterham or Marussia, do we?
There was a silent murmuring by the team which sounded as a “no” but Tim seemingly wasn’t satisfied with it.
“What? I didn’t hear it!” he shouted touching one of his ears.
This time Jenson shouted along with the mechanics and Tim nodded as a response.
“That’s it, guys. Now, everyone go back to your job.” Jenson also moved closer to the car when Tim turned back to him with a ‘what the hell are you doing’ face. “You don’t! Now you go to drink a coffee or tea, or just breathe some fresh air or whatever, I don’t give a fuck what you will do but do something to yourself! You get fifteen minutes break then you’ll come back absolutely concentrated, understood?”
Jenson rolled his eyes with a sigh, he knew there was a huge pressure on the man’s shoulders; he had to prove that it was worth to change his position whilst all his hard work seemed to fade away when they were on the track. The MP4-28 was a disaster. However Tim was a bit overreacting in these days or more in the past two months. Sometimes he acted like he wasn’t in an F1 team but at least in the military.
“Yes, sir” Jenson saluted and didn’t wait for the other man’s reply, he turned about immediately.
As he was leaving the McLaren garage he still could hear Tim’s livid voice behind him.
“What on Earth? What the hell are you doing there, men? Just to clarifying the things: are you trying to win the worst tyre changing team award or what? Why the smelly hell can’t you change a fuckin’ tyre without any mistake? You wanna kill the drivers? Sometimes, I repeat sometimes it’s understandable if you have some failures during a race, there’s a pressure on you, I can see it, but mother of Saint Peter, it’s the fuckin’ McLaren garage without fuckin’ rush so where the hell is that fuckin’ pressure of you?” There was a big silence for a moment, there was no member of the team who dared to move or speak. “Change the shitty tyre!” Tim shouted at one of the mechanics one last time which he got a really silent “yes” reply to before the man ran to the car and kneeled down beside it. “Are you still here?”
“No” Jenson said turning about again and this time he really left the place behind him.
It was so relaxing going out to the sun for a bit. The air was hot even in the morning but the wind was slightly blowing which was refreshing his heated body. The little confrontation between him and Tim pissed him off, he could punch the man in the face and tell him to calm the fuck down ‘cause with all these behaviours he wouldn’t be able to build a good car and not even able to get any respect from the mechanics or Martin, but there was a good point in it too; Jenson forgot about his other problems even if just for a short time.
Now that he was alone and slowly calmed down he got back all the frustrating thoughts in his mind. He reached into his pocket for the little paper and his fingers tightened around it thoughtfully. He didn’t even remember when did he put it there, it was almost natural in these days to bring the chit with him to everywhere. Sometimes he decided he would ask the German driver about it but then he thought it was a bad decision, it was childish and unnecessary, maybe even ridiculous so he doubted it.
Now he was walking in the pit lane didn’t even know where he was heading to, he just let his legs to leading him not caring about where he was or what the others thought.
Suddenly something bumped into him and as he looked up to check on what or who was the lucky one he didn’t see anything but a huge, red shadow before realizing the man in front of him.
“Fernando!” he shouted with a grin, patting on the Ferrari driver’s shoulder.
“Hey Jense! What’s up man? Are you going to see Mark?” the Spaniard asked in a hurried tone, with his funny Spanish accent. Jenson knitted his brows for a moment looking around and just noticed he was almost at the Red Bull garages. “I’m in a hurry now but I have something important to say to Mark. Could you tell him to call me later, please? Great, thanks!” Fernando lifted an arm up to reach his tall friend’s shoulder just to clapping on it, and soon he was on his way with a hurried “bye Jense”, not even letting the British to find his words.
Jenson was standing there frozen for a moment, it took a little time to him till he was able to shut his mouth close. What the hell was that? And what the hell was he doing around the Red Bull team? He turned back and looked up at the building. “Sebastian Vettel” he read. Something moved in his stomach like before an examination when you’re so nervous you could kick everything and everyone around you. It was true that he was nervous in a way. It was really disturbing that the boy was around him all the time even when he actually wasn’t, even when he really was going to forget about him and just live his life like before he knew about their past.
Jenson took a deep breath as he looked in the way of the working mechanics and was going to turned around and go back to his own team when he heard his name behind his back. Mark stood there and waved to him with a big grin so Jenson couldn’t resist, he started walking to the opponent team.
“Hey mate! How are you doin’?” the Aussie man asked smiling as he reached for Jenson’s hand.
“Hey Mark. I’m fine, just a little tired so got fifteen minutes break. And you?”
“Working on the car, some problems with the KERS, the usual story” he waved a hand worriedly. Yes, the usual story. Mark had always problems with his KERS, or if it was not the KERS it was something else, but something always went wrong with his car especially since he announced his retirement. These were the times when Jenson really felt hate towards the German driver and his whole fucking team. And look, he got at that Vettel kid again!
The British sighed as if he could calm himself down with it and glanced at his friend sympathisingly.
“Keep up, mate. Just a few weeks left.”
“It’s okay, I’m not sad. I have a really nice career behind me even without winning a championship. They can’t break me, y’ know? I’m proud of all the things what I achieved in these years. And actually quiet excited about next year, it’ll be something new in my life. So I’ll be fine.”
The Aussie was smiling but Jenson knew him too well, he could see through his mask and it was so painful to see how his friend tried to stay strong and be positive. Anyway, Jenson felt so much respect for him for all the strength what the man got. He was already tired of the failures what they had in his team in the last two years, and look how small this thing was compared to Mark’s problems. Jenson even won a championship once not like his friend.
The British really felt guilty.
“I’m happy for hearing it.”
“Yeah. But you look more troubled like me. Are you sure you’re fine?”
“Yeah, yes, I’m fine. Too much thinking in these days, not enough sleeping... How was your break?”
“Lot of work, but I had some free time so I went for a cycling holiday in the mountains with Ann. It was beautiful and relaxing. The landscape and the fresh air... It’s invaluable.”
“Yes, I can imagine” Jenson smiled and he really could imagine. He liked these tours, the nature, the feeling of freedom; sometimes he was a bit jealous of Mark for going to these places all the time. He didn’t really have much time because of his works and actually the triathlon what he loved with all his heart too. It’s become his second love after F1. Still he really thought about to going to a trip with Jess like this cycling tour once.
“Don’t be so wordless, Jense!” Mark patted on his shoulder with a grin.” What were you doing? Did you visit the old family house?”
“Yeah, yes, we did. We went home and took a little rest with the family. At first there were only me, my dad, my sisters and Jessica, all the other men of the family went on a trip with the kids so it was so silent. I think my sisters planned it, I can see through them” he laughed. “Finally the other part of the family arrived too, and even my mom visited us. I can’t remember when was there an occasion like this one when the whole family was together.” Jenson frowned thoughtfully as he tried to remember and it was really hard. Maybe on a Christmas Eve many years ago... Maybe even before his world title. “And we also flew to Japan just for two days. It was tiring and relaxing at the same time to be honest.”
“I’m not surprised, mate. I can understand now why the hell you are so worn-out.”
Oh, you have no idea, Jenson thought as he looked in the garages’ way again, unintentionally searching for a blond guy. The chit was still in his left hand now creased and wet by his sweaty palm. He didn’t know how he got there, or what his real intention was, but he did know now he must talk to the guy. Before he totally loses his mind.
Jenson almost used to hear his name in that shouted tone it was so frequent in these days.
“Yeah?” the British asked glancing at his friend just to turning his head back to the Red Bull team.
“You’re not listening.”
“Of course I am.”
But he didn’t even look at Mark. The answer was so automatic like breathing and the Aussie man knew it too.
“No, you’re not.” No answer. “Are you looking for someone?”
“Yes.” But as soon as he said it out aloud he already regretted it. “No!” Jenson shouted finally turning to Mark who was staring at him with a sceptically raised eyebrow. When another eyebrow joined the first one Jenson knew he can’t fool the man. “Actually yes. I’m looking for Sebastian.”
“Sebastian? You mean Vettel?” he shouted scandalized.
He knew it. Jenson knew it so well the Aussie will react like that. And now he was so fucking nervous for maybe the German guy also heard his name, it could have been so embarrassing.
“Hush, Mark, don’t yell at me” he tried to calm his friend down but he could see it won’t work this time. The driver seemed really pissed and Jenson already knew why it was for. And the reason made him angry too. “No, not again. I told you I don’t care about your seat, why are you doing this? Don’t be so childish!”
“Fuck off, I’m not childish. I only want to know if my friend would like to get my seat after my retirement. Is that so bad? Why can’t you just tell me? I won’t be mad.”
“You’re already mad.”
“Of course, ‘cause you can’t trust me and be honest with me. With your friend. Does it even matter if you want my seat? I would be more satisfied if you got my seat than if someone else did.”
“But I really don’t care about it, for fuck’s sake!”
Jenson knew he shouldn’t have yelled either but he couldn’t stop himself anymore, it was so frustrating that his friend misunderstood him. And even if the man said it didn’t matter whether he gets that place or not of course it did. He knew Mark for years and knew it was a soft spot for him.
“So? Why are you looking for that guy then?”
Jenson licked his lips troubled while he tried to find some explanation. He couldn’t just tell Sebastian and him were friends somewhere in the far past, actually they are some childhood friends or something like that and that he was there to talk about these things or whatever things, actually he didn’t even know it himself what the hell was he going to talkin’ about with the guy, but he couldn’t just tell all these traumatizing information to Mark, could he?
“I... I can’t tell...”
“Oh, so you can’t tell but you’re telling me you don’t wa”
“I can’t tell you now, okay? Look, it’s a soft spot even for me, it’s a confusing, unbelievable story and I don’t wanna talk about it now. I promise you, I’ll tell you later but not this time. Okay?”
Mark didn’t answer immediately, he had that sceptical look on his face again but finally nodded as an agreement.
“Okay” he sighed.
“Thanks mate” Jenson smiled and patted on his shoulder.
“Nando and I are going for a run today. We’ll meet in front of the Ferrari garage at 8pm if you’d like to join us.”
“Yeah, fine, I’ll be there.”
But Jenson was already scanning the Red Bull team again so it was obvious he didn’t really hear his friend.
“Then see you later.”
Jenson shuddered at the shout of Mark and he almost told him off but he didn’t have the time since the Aussie man was already on his way, and as Jenson followed him with his eyes he spotted the German guy in front of his garage. Mark had a word with the blond guy before the man looked at Jenson and after a little wave to the Aussie he started walking towards the British man. The nervousness what he felt before was nothing compared to what he felt in this very moment. It’s okay he decided it in himself that he’s really going to talk to the guy this time, but he didn’t actually decided it. It was just a thought like always, and now he didn’t know what to say as Sebastian stood in front of him with a big grin on his face.
“Hey.” Jenson wasn’t sure if it was just his imagination or his voice was really that low so he quickly cleared his throat.
“Mark said you wanted to talk to me.” The statement sounded rather as a question as Sebastian unsurely knitted his brows.
“Yeah, sort of.”
“Sort of...” he frowned even more. “Okay, so what happened?”
Now or never, it was the time, or maybe it wasn’t actually the time but Jenson knew if he wouldn’t do it now there won’t be another chance and to be honest there was no reason to procrastinating it for so long. It was not such a big deal, he just wanted to chat with an old friend, so it didn’t matter whatever all the other members of their teams or the other teams would think.
“Nothing special actually.” Sebastian had a sceptical face, he was obviously confused so Jenson licked his lips and hurriedly spitted out the first thing what occurred to him. “How about a cup of coffee at seven o’clock? Or tea, whatever.”
“Or tea. Or whatever, I just... thought we could talk a bit? I want to show you something.”
And that was true. There was no way back now, he said it and he had to do it. Childish or not, ridiculous or not, unnecessary or not, he will show him.
“Oh!” The confused look transformed into a surprised expression and soon Sebastian was smiling again. “Okay, fine, of course. I also want to show you something.”
“Really?” he smiled back.
Jenson didn’t know why he was so happy about the fact that the German not only wanted to show him something too but maybe he was just as much nervous as he was and finally the British was the one who took the first step towards the other man.
“Yeah. So how about meeting on the grid at seven?”
“The grid? Okay, it’s fine. I’ll be there.”
“Yes, well, I thought then we could decide whether we want to stay here or go out somewhere else.” There was an awkward pause for a moment before Sebastian started talking again. “Or actually it’s already decided since it would be weird if someone saw us together, wouldn’t it?”
“No, it’s all right.” Of course it was not. “But I also prefer to stay here.”
“Then it’s settled.”
They smiled at each other and suddenly it was another awkward moment of them. Jenson really thought about to driving a new diary and fill it with all these awkwardness because they were unbelievable. Not the moments themselves but the fact they were their moments.
“Well, I should go back now. I think my break is already over for a while so...”
“It’s okay. I should go back too. I was in the middle of the work with the team when Mark summoned me.
“Then see you later.”
“Yeah. Bye Jense” the German clapped on his back with a big grin and he was already nowhere.
Jenson was still standing there totally stunned, just watching the spot where the other driver disappeared. It’s going to be an interesting meeting.